Messed up...
After having a terrible day yesterday - largely due to not feeling too well and not being too happy with my friends - I had a number of disturbing dreams last night about my grandad, who has been dead for three years. I'm not quite sure why he came into my dreams, as I hadn't thought of him for some time. Or perhaps that is the reason. He was sitting in a chair laughing out loud at something on the TV, but I didn't understand why. Strange.
So this morning I didn't feel much better. I had lost some of the weakness I'd been feeling the past few days, which I couldn't particularly explain where they'd come from. I just feel emotionally drained at the moment. My head feels completely messed up, with tonnes of different things swirling around in there. I'll try to account for them all...
pissed off with friends, bored with lecture work, feeling lonely - both in terms of having no real friends as good as the ones I used to have, and really missing having any kind of love interest, feeling useless, wanting to do some sort of volunteering but don't feel I have the confidence to, wanting to do Camp America or something like that this summer but I don't feel brave enough for that either; missing my family, wanting to do meet some different people in societies but not having the time, pissed off with myself for letting several of my talents from years ago (writing, comedy, music writing, music playing) disappear or fall idle, jaded with politics in this country and the world for being so populist and reactionary, dreading the essays I have coming up, annoyed with eating junk food all the time, depressed about growing up, feeling I'm wasting the time I'm currently using with other worthless stuff...
I think that's everything. They are all swirling and churning around in here and I just don't feel settled at all. Psychologically I feel I'm a complete wreck at the moment and it's impacting on the rest of me. I don't know whether I'm regressing, as I've never felt this bad in my life, or whether this is just another part of the ultimate phases of growing up.
It's tough. I hate these feelings, particularly as I despise wallowing in my own self-pity. I know there are people out there who have it much worse than me and I should be grateful for the opportunities I'm getting. So I get even more depressed about being depressed.
Sigh.
So this morning I didn't feel much better. I had lost some of the weakness I'd been feeling the past few days, which I couldn't particularly explain where they'd come from. I just feel emotionally drained at the moment. My head feels completely messed up, with tonnes of different things swirling around in there. I'll try to account for them all...
pissed off with friends, bored with lecture work, feeling lonely - both in terms of having no real friends as good as the ones I used to have, and really missing having any kind of love interest, feeling useless, wanting to do some sort of volunteering but don't feel I have the confidence to, wanting to do Camp America or something like that this summer but I don't feel brave enough for that either; missing my family, wanting to do meet some different people in societies but not having the time, pissed off with myself for letting several of my talents from years ago (writing, comedy, music writing, music playing) disappear or fall idle, jaded with politics in this country and the world for being so populist and reactionary, dreading the essays I have coming up, annoyed with eating junk food all the time, depressed about growing up, feeling I'm wasting the time I'm currently using with other worthless stuff...
I think that's everything. They are all swirling and churning around in here and I just don't feel settled at all. Psychologically I feel I'm a complete wreck at the moment and it's impacting on the rest of me. I don't know whether I'm regressing, as I've never felt this bad in my life, or whether this is just another part of the ultimate phases of growing up.
It's tough. I hate these feelings, particularly as I despise wallowing in my own self-pity. I know there are people out there who have it much worse than me and I should be grateful for the opportunities I'm getting. So I get even more depressed about being depressed.
Sigh.
posted by Matt at
5:38 pm
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