Over My Head
It's been a strange 48 hours. On Friday night I went to a house party. I much prefer house parties to going out - it's a lot easier to get to toilets, and using public toilets is one of my biggest hates. There's something about the lack of hygiene in my fellow men that really winds me up...
Anyway - the party was pretty good. But because the hosts had invited lots of people, and perhaps overestimated the size of their kitchen and living area by a factor of twenty, it was rather overcrowded. About 50 people squashed into a space about a quarter of the size of a tennis court. Plus, most of the people there were international students. They formed their cliques and held parties within a party. It wasn't much of an exercise in Europeanness, especially as I ended up speaking to the three American students there for most of the evening.
When I go to a party, I usually make sure I have some fun, regardless of how much alcohol I drink. This night, I'd had about 2 cans of Carling over six hours, so it had no effect on me whatsoever. And whenever there's good music, I will be found nearby. So when all the songs everyone knows came on, the party atmosphere got going... in about six people. So there were six people attempting to sing and dance in a room crammed to the brim.
Then it was someone's sensible idea to turn off the light and put on the strobe effect when YMCA came on.
Not a good idea. I ended up with an elbow to my eye, which is still sore today.
Despite that, it was overall a good party.
Yet, just 24 hours later, I was in the depths of depression. I think most of it was triggered by the Michael Moore book - Stupid White Men - that I'd just finished reading...
No. It wasn't bad. In fact, it was good. It just wound me up about how much inequality and injustice there is in the world. And while I'm worrying more about what this strange red stain on my shirt is, there are people in the world who don't even have a shirt to wear. This got mixed up with the feelings I'd been experiencing since an awful tutorial on Friday where I learned that my tutor is a complete arsehole who I have no idea how she qualified as a teacher. Add to that my general feelings about the semester so far, particularly over the extremely boring and probably very difficult courses I'm doing over the next few months.
It wasn't finished. I then got pissed off my friends, who were all sitting around me playing Championship Manager on their laptops in total silence. Then my family. Then annoyed about my lack of direction. And my complete lack of action in any of the fields I'm interested in. I'm one of the few people in the University who aren't members of any of the club or society. Most of them are just excuses to go and get pissed anyway (and we students don't need excuses to drink...) - but still... I'm missing out on meeting new people. I feel a great emptiness in my heart at the moment. I suspect it's mostly a lack of companionship... I really would like a girlfriend, but I just don't have the confidence to ask anyone.
A night's sleep let all of this simmer. I didn't feel so bad this morning, but it was still crushing me inside. I want to do something about the problems in this world. I want to stand up and be counted, and to make a difference. But then again, who doesn't? This doesn't make me any different to anyone else.
The difference is that I really must do something. Other people just harbour these thoughts and do nothing. How about if I actually carried out what I want to do for a change?
It's a question I have to answer. Do I want the easy life or the hard life?
Time is running out for me to make a decision.
Anyway - the party was pretty good. But because the hosts had invited lots of people, and perhaps overestimated the size of their kitchen and living area by a factor of twenty, it was rather overcrowded. About 50 people squashed into a space about a quarter of the size of a tennis court. Plus, most of the people there were international students. They formed their cliques and held parties within a party. It wasn't much of an exercise in Europeanness, especially as I ended up speaking to the three American students there for most of the evening.
When I go to a party, I usually make sure I have some fun, regardless of how much alcohol I drink. This night, I'd had about 2 cans of Carling over six hours, so it had no effect on me whatsoever. And whenever there's good music, I will be found nearby. So when all the songs everyone knows came on, the party atmosphere got going... in about six people. So there were six people attempting to sing and dance in a room crammed to the brim.
Then it was someone's sensible idea to turn off the light and put on the strobe effect when YMCA came on.
Not a good idea. I ended up with an elbow to my eye, which is still sore today.
Despite that, it was overall a good party.
Yet, just 24 hours later, I was in the depths of depression. I think most of it was triggered by the Michael Moore book - Stupid White Men - that I'd just finished reading...
No. It wasn't bad. In fact, it was good. It just wound me up about how much inequality and injustice there is in the world. And while I'm worrying more about what this strange red stain on my shirt is, there are people in the world who don't even have a shirt to wear. This got mixed up with the feelings I'd been experiencing since an awful tutorial on Friday where I learned that my tutor is a complete arsehole who I have no idea how she qualified as a teacher. Add to that my general feelings about the semester so far, particularly over the extremely boring and probably very difficult courses I'm doing over the next few months.
It wasn't finished. I then got pissed off my friends, who were all sitting around me playing Championship Manager on their laptops in total silence. Then my family. Then annoyed about my lack of direction. And my complete lack of action in any of the fields I'm interested in. I'm one of the few people in the University who aren't members of any of the club or society. Most of them are just excuses to go and get pissed anyway (and we students don't need excuses to drink...) - but still... I'm missing out on meeting new people. I feel a great emptiness in my heart at the moment. I suspect it's mostly a lack of companionship... I really would like a girlfriend, but I just don't have the confidence to ask anyone.
A night's sleep let all of this simmer. I didn't feel so bad this morning, but it was still crushing me inside. I want to do something about the problems in this world. I want to stand up and be counted, and to make a difference. But then again, who doesn't? This doesn't make me any different to anyone else.
The difference is that I really must do something. Other people just harbour these thoughts and do nothing. How about if I actually carried out what I want to do for a change?
It's a question I have to answer. Do I want the easy life or the hard life?
Time is running out for me to make a decision.
posted by Matt at
9:36 pm
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