Oddity
When the main theme of your blog is dealing with a pretty shit life and a usual persistence of psychological trauma it doesn't help when things go well and feel reasonably good. Yet, it should be something to celebrated.
So I am. For now, things are well. Today we had an inspection from the landlord, who was not at all pleased with the filth and general disgusting lack of cleanliness from my scum-sucking house mate - one of the sources of a lot of my misery for the past few months.
I knew they were coming today. They had given me notice. But I didn't tell them they were coming. I knew if I did then they would get their room in order, including removing food that's been on the floor for weeks and washing dishes that have been used once and never will be used again. I couldn't let that happen.
I wanted some revenge. I wanted him to suffer, just a little, for the pain he has caused me.
I'm not normally a revenge person. But I've given this guy so many chances. Time after time I get it thrown back in my face because he can't help but be so false and disingenious. He likes to pretend he is something he isn't. I know he isn't that. But he sure as hell likes to try, and in the meantime I put up with his disgusting behaviour because I'm so weak-willed I can't find it within me to properly challenge him. Yet, I know that he is only acting in this way to try to get me to react, so I can't. I get trapped, and then I start to implode with the feelings in my head.
I know I have no spine when it comes to issues like this. I just can't do it. I don't know what I fear, but I can't stop myself from being afraid. I cannot find it within me to put a stop to it.
So it was nice to be able to turn things over to someone in a position of authority. It was great to see him squirming and having to bullshit lame excuses about the sorry mess on the spot. I enjoyed it.
And hence why I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think I'll enjoy it.
So I am. For now, things are well. Today we had an inspection from the landlord, who was not at all pleased with the filth and general disgusting lack of cleanliness from my scum-sucking house mate - one of the sources of a lot of my misery for the past few months.
I knew they were coming today. They had given me notice. But I didn't tell them they were coming. I knew if I did then they would get their room in order, including removing food that's been on the floor for weeks and washing dishes that have been used once and never will be used again. I couldn't let that happen.
I wanted some revenge. I wanted him to suffer, just a little, for the pain he has caused me.
I'm not normally a revenge person. But I've given this guy so many chances. Time after time I get it thrown back in my face because he can't help but be so false and disingenious. He likes to pretend he is something he isn't. I know he isn't that. But he sure as hell likes to try, and in the meantime I put up with his disgusting behaviour because I'm so weak-willed I can't find it within me to properly challenge him. Yet, I know that he is only acting in this way to try to get me to react, so I can't. I get trapped, and then I start to implode with the feelings in my head.
I know I have no spine when it comes to issues like this. I just can't do it. I don't know what I fear, but I can't stop myself from being afraid. I cannot find it within me to put a stop to it.
So it was nice to be able to turn things over to someone in a position of authority. It was great to see him squirming and having to bullshit lame excuses about the sorry mess on the spot. I enjoyed it.
And hence why I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think I'll enjoy it.
posted by Matt at
9:03 pm
2 Comments:
Howdy Matt, I stumbled upon your blog during a trawl through the blog world via a comment you left on I Hate My Flatmate. I’ve just read it from start to finish...
I have some affinity with you in your search for decent blogs to read. There’s a real plethora of blogs out there which really set no sparks off whatsoever for me. I don’t necessarily want to read something profound or meaningful; rather, I find the everyday common man, with all his paranoia, bored musings and trips to the shop, to be worth celebrating – but even these are hard enough to stumble upon. There’s just too many God, Porn or Computer lovers out there as far as I can see, and not enough slices as what I’d deem interesting real life insights. And, like you say, as for the standard of written English out there? Jeez. You know what else I can’t stand? PEEpOL hU RiTe LiK tHiS. It gIvEs mE a hEaDaChe
Anyway, apologies for the rant. I was just stopping by to say take a look at my blog if you want. It’s perhaps not as, um, 'introspective' as yours (no offence intended), and I couldn’t really say if anyone else would find my life in the slightest bit interesting, but....
http://howshuw.blogspot.com/
Oh, one more thing: I had a friend who did Politics at Hull, and did the MP shadowing thing you mentioned and he had a great time. He was working for a prominent gay Labour MP, and got me into the Houses of Parliament once where we got a bit tipsy in the Commons Bar before heading up to the roof terrace where we watched the May Day protests going on below (for it was May Day)
Cheers Mate.
By
Huw, at 12:03 pm, February 13, 2005
Hey, Huw. Thanks for your comment. And thanks for the link to your blog... just had a quick read around now and I like the look of it. You have been bookmarked!
You've hit the nail on the head when you talk about what kind of blogs are the properly interesting ones. It seems me that a lot of blogs only seem to "succeed" and have a lot of comments because they have friends visiting all the time who almost have no choice but to use the blog as a message board.
So don't apologise for the rant. It's all good. I agree that the personal blog is becoming something of a rare artform. That's not to say I think my blog is anywhere near good, but I try to be as genuine as possible. I find the anonymity of this helps me to be honest, as I know that if I knew my friends were reading, I would hide all those introspective aspects for obvious reasons. These are fundmental parts of me, and so the point of this blog would be lost.
Of course, that's not true for everyone. Just me. And I don't want to read blogs about depression all the time. I like to see reasonably happy people just talking about what they do to pass the time. It's pretty easy to tell when a blogger is being disingenious, and this is what turns me off from them. All I'd like to read is a person blogging the truth about their life - since no one is perfect, then the interesting bits derive from there - and the rest falls into place.
It's a small world. I'm definitely looking forward to my time in Westminster. Sounds like it will be a great year.
Hope to see you around again. Cheers.
By
Matt, at 2:02 pm, February 13, 2005
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