A Grown Up Now. In Theory.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Option Planning

Life at the moment is a little turbulent, so I thought I'd take a moment or two to express my thoughts which might help clear them.

A few days ago I wrote down everything I'm committed to, and everything I do because I enjoy it but wouldn't describe it as a committment, onto a piece of paper. It is basically a slightly longer-term "to-do" list. It makes for depressing reading, since it is mostly dominated by lots of University work, but time is on my side for most of those.

The only problems arise with those other things that I'm not committed to but need to decide on. One of these is me learning how to drive. It is going OK, but I have now decided that my instructor is not the best one for me. She picks up on minor errors and exaggerates them into great flaws, as well as confusing left and right on a consistent basis, and "introducing" things that we have covered in many lessons before (if I do another lesson "introducing" left turns I will scream). It isn't helped by the fact that I despise her new car... it feels like it has precisely zero margin for error, and if the clutch is not brought up ultra-slowly it will stall. I can drive, but I just need a lot more experience out on the road and a bit of help with my parking manoeuvres.

My problem comes from the fact that all of these are making me not enjoy driving any more. When I went driving with my parents over Christmas I actually liked it. I used to look forward to my lessons, but I've recently started to fear them as they approach. It's been years since I got into a frame of mind like this over particular events each week. I used to be scared of Tuesdays because I had PE or Games. I absolutely detested living like that, and it now feels like I'm doing it all over again.

So I'm in a dilemma. I either see this through and pass my test before May. Or I abandon soon, and instead wait a couple of years (since there's no way I'm learning to drive in London next year) and do it after 4th year.

By then it could be too late and I may not be able to get certain jobs because of it.

The other option is to cancel a summer arrangement and learn to drive back at home. This would be better, since it would include an option of getting in much more practice in my parent's car, reducing the number of lessons I need substantially, saving money, and maybe even taking the test in my parent's car too.

But like I said... this would mean I have to cancel my plans for this summer. Which leads me on to my next thoughts.

For some reason, I have suddenly gone off the idea of working this summer in the USA. I can't for the life of me explain why. I just don't feel like doing it any more. I have not yet committed to this, although I have already sent many signals to my employer that I am going to come back. I even got them to offer me more cash to cover extra costs this time around. I think the problem here is that I need to start looking for flight tickets, and go down to London for visa interviews and things. It's also a big chunk of my life, although I don't exactly know what else I'd be doing with it if I didn't go.

Meanwhile, my financial woes increase as I receive a pay slip for work I've done and yet the money has not appeared in my account the day it should have. My account details are right, but for some reason nothing has arrived. And neither has the tapes for the remaining eight episodes of my assignment. So here I am, wasting free time this weekend which I'd set aside to do this work, and yet the tapes aren't here. They won't turn up till next week, which means I'll have to waste next weekend on them, when I will probably have to do some University work as well.

The other problem is that I still haven't picked the MP I'd like to work with next year. Time is running low on that one, but I still can't motivate myself to make the selection.

I also seem to be wasting lots of time in general. I have barely played my guitar or keyboard in many weeks, and my talents are slipping away, if they ever existed in the first place. I just don't seem to have any free time to play them.

But I now have a small inclination that I would like to go into primary school teaching. I don't know why, when it seems men aren't allowed to go into teaching younger kids any more because it must mean they are a paedophile, but I just like the idea. I find the programme Child Of Our Time endlessly fascinating, and children in general more so. Perhaps I'm doing the wrong degree.

What a bunch of trivial, middle-class woes I have. If I was properly suffering I'd know about it. It just seems to me like I spend my life procrastinating over things that some people at the sharp-end of life would find rather amusing and make the decision in seconds.

At the very least I feel like I've just got most of my direction thoughts down onto paper. Now I just need to make a decision...

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