Motivation
In life, I feel like the motivation is sapping out of me. I went to a presentation and a couple of stalls at a fair on teaching today... and afterwards I came out with a determination to pursue a career in primary teaching. To be honest, I'd been thinking about this anyway, and it seems to have confirmed it. Only now, with the benefit of no more than a few hours hindsight, and after digesting all the material and how difficult it is to get on these courses to qualify to teach, let alone getting into a school in the first place, I once again feel like I'm not up to it...
Everything seems to be such an ordeal at the moment. I can't get myself to do anything work related - and the looming essay deadlines of a few weeks time aren't having an effect yet. I can't see how such a person could ever be a teacher, which only then continues to discourage me from this path. Given the amount of experience they want, I'm now more than a little pissed off that I managed to talk myself out of applying for the Student Associates scheme that gives 10 days worth of experience in a local secondary school. I am an idiot.
I'm guessing I'm just in one of my many ruts. Well... I'm hoping that anyway. This now, of course, makes the summer decision much more difficult. I might actually find it much more useful, once I'm done with this hellhole for another academic year, to go into a few primary schools and offer some voluntary help.
That requires courage. That requires determination. It requires commitment.
I have a feeling that's what I'm afraid of. I know if I take this decision, it leads to tonnes of consequences that will be difficult to reverse once I'm on the slope. Perhaps if I can utterly convince myself that teaching is for me, then I would not have a problem with came after it. It's just that making that decision is so hard. It's too adult for me. Once I make up my mind, I feel like that's it and I'm setting out my life plan for the next 40 years. Of course it won't be as simple as that, but I feel the metaphorical slamming of doors behind me as I choose to give myself direction in life, setting course for an unknown destination.
No longer can I say, "I could be anything that I want to be" and people couldn't say "You can do anything if you put your mind to it" to me.
That's probably what scares me.
Everything seems to be such an ordeal at the moment. I can't get myself to do anything work related - and the looming essay deadlines of a few weeks time aren't having an effect yet. I can't see how such a person could ever be a teacher, which only then continues to discourage me from this path. Given the amount of experience they want, I'm now more than a little pissed off that I managed to talk myself out of applying for the Student Associates scheme that gives 10 days worth of experience in a local secondary school. I am an idiot.
I'm guessing I'm just in one of my many ruts. Well... I'm hoping that anyway. This now, of course, makes the summer decision much more difficult. I might actually find it much more useful, once I'm done with this hellhole for another academic year, to go into a few primary schools and offer some voluntary help.
That requires courage. That requires determination. It requires commitment.
I have a feeling that's what I'm afraid of. I know if I take this decision, it leads to tonnes of consequences that will be difficult to reverse once I'm on the slope. Perhaps if I can utterly convince myself that teaching is for me, then I would not have a problem with came after it. It's just that making that decision is so hard. It's too adult for me. Once I make up my mind, I feel like that's it and I'm setting out my life plan for the next 40 years. Of course it won't be as simple as that, but I feel the metaphorical slamming of doors behind me as I choose to give myself direction in life, setting course for an unknown destination.
No longer can I say, "I could be anything that I want to be" and people couldn't say "You can do anything if you put your mind to it" to me.
That's probably what scares me.
posted by Matt at
8:52 am
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